Opening up about Complex PTSD: challenging the power of shame
Last week I did something I’ve never done before. I told my colleagues I was dealing with Complex PTSD (also known as complex emotional trauma or C-PTSD). I was scared of sharing this because I didn’t want them to think there was something wrong with me. For as long as I can remember this is what I have believed about myself.
My C-PTSD has been triggered by a culmination of recent events. I have been experiencing waves of anguish and despair. It feels like a hellish internal suffering that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy: emotionally and physically panicked, hyper-aroused, consumed by unrelenting fear and overwhelming pain in my chest. My own body attacking me from the inside.
According to the NHS website, Complex PTSD may be diagnosed in adults or children who have repeatedly experienced traumatic events, such as violence, neglect or abuse. It is thought to be more severe when traumatic events have happened in early life, caused by a parent, experienced for a long time and the person was alone during the trauma. It says those with C-PTSD are likely to experience emotional flashbacks and the feelings they originally felt during the trauma. Symptoms described include; difficulty controlling emotions, cutting oneself off from friends and family, relationship difficulties and suicidal thoughts. Feelings of shame and guilt are also listed as common.
I was so relieved my colleagues reacted the way they did; calmly, with understanding and a reassuring lack of shock. When I looked at their faces, I could tell the empathy was genuine. They didn’t look at me as if I was ‘weird’. I felt accepted and cared for as a human being.
The fact that I have felt unable to share such feelings with others until now highlights how powerful the feeling of shame can be. As a psychologist, I know you cannot keep emotions trapped inside, and yet I’ve had a fear of being open about my experiences all my life. My current situation has highlighted to me that I’ve been harbouring an unhealthy core belief: that there is something fundamentally wrong with me. And as a result, that I will be judged negatively; that others will think I’m somehow defective; that I must hide the real me.
The impact of this shame has been all-pervasive. It has affected my work, personal life and my relationships. But I have finally realised that by suffering in silence, I have been sabotaging myself. Fear of being judged has caused me to choose which parts of me I show to others; excluding much of myself. The shame I have felt around my specific experiences with C-PTSD has stopped me from being open and seeking others’ support. It has been an extremely lonely place to be.
Whilst attitudes to mental health have changed in recent years and there have been significant leaps forward, I feel that some aspects of mental health are still not discussed or understood. Although more and more people feel able to admit to depression and anxiety, complex emotional trauma or PTSD isn’t yet regarded in the same normalised way. Society has come a long way when it comes to taboos around mental health, but the journey is not over.
Encouragingly, there’s growing realisation that challenges with mental health can actually be a positive, for instance, creating heightened empathy and compassion. I KNOW the trauma I have experienced has blessed me with the capabilities to be an excellent coach and psychologist. I’m passionate about my work and it has been said to me on a number of occasions that it is clear my work is more than a job to me. I believe it is my purpose to help people unlock their potential – and my ongoing struggle with C-PTSD makes me even more determined to realise my own. I believe that no past experience should ever hold any of us back.
My experience has crystallised my vision of how I want to help people outside of my everyday work. Hurt children grow into suffering adults. If I can help even one child avoid that fate, then I have done something meaningful and transformed the pain I have experienced into a gift for someone else.
I feel grateful that I have been able to share my deepest feelings with colleagues, friends and some of my family, and receive support and compassion. I’m relieved that my fears of being open (so far) have been ungrounded. Instead, talking has helped dissolve some of my pain and helped free a part of me. I know how isolating fear and shame can be.
#Loneliness is the theme of this year’s Mental Health Awareness Week and the timing is poignantly fitting for me. I hope that by sharing some of my story, I will help to normalise the experiences around trauma in some small way. Ultimately, I want others to feel that they are not alone. The more we talk about the breadth and depth of mental health experiences, the less power and turmoil the pain of shame can have over our lives.
About Mandip Johal | Principal Consultant at Equiida
Mandip is an organisational psychologist with expertise in leadership strategy, assessment and development. Her experience spans corporate banking, retail, technology, consultancy and academia. She has designed talent assessments for intelligence roles in MI5, MI6 and GCHQ. She has also designed and delivered large-scale people-focused change initiatives for Rolls-Royce, the NHS and EDF Energy. Mandip is skilled in conducting in-depth selection and development assessments for FTSE 250 and Fortune 500 leaders, and has coached a range of C-suite and C-suite –1 leaders.
As a result of her own difficult life experiences and personal growth, she is fiercely committed to unlocking people’s potential by helping leaders to develop their self-awareness and psychological insights. Her work is guided by an ethos of delivering a positive societal impact. Mandip is especially interested in the areas of diversity, equity and inclusion, entrepreneurial behaviour and high-performance culture.
Mandip has a BA in Business & Finance, MSc in Psychology and MSc in Organisational Psychology.